I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
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When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.