Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
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Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
#FunnyLife Insects
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.