this is literally a CIA plant
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Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.