salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
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GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president