Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
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“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.