The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
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[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
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If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day