So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
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So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly