Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
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Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x