Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
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I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
huge valentines day plans this year!!
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .