My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
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Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
My Guy
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.