[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
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every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap: