Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
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My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
when u come home smelling like another dog
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.