them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
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he was correct
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
the #horror is real!
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*