[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
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Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me