Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
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Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this