Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
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Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Just me?
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉