when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
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I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.