Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
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“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.