My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
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Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?