M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
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[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Yes my dude
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw