me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
You Might Also Like
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
Yes, but it was never about money
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
i spent way too long on this
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash