Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
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Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.