Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
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None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.