I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
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“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show