Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
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[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Bread puns are on the rise!
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.