[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
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I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate