I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
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Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.