When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
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Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*