There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
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Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Otters see a butterfly.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?