nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
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Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
you have three unread messages
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*