I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
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hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
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No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.