Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
You Might Also Like
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
sir, my pâté if you please
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.