In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
You Might Also Like
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
How about daylight saves us for once
Truth
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Has there ever been a more American story?
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No