Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
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[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.