My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
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i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..