I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do đź‘‘
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girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
every single time
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
He took my last fry, your honor