Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
You Might Also Like
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Sheep
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
#MeanwhileInCanada
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry