The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
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Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.