When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
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A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
g
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?