BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
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….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?