My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
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T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.