50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
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Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Interior design 👌
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
My neck my back my allergy attack
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
I cannot stop laughing at this