[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
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I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
*Inspirational Tweets*
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑