Do you want to taunt a snowman?
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As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance