ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
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I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.