When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
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Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.