The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
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Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Thursday Thought.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos