Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
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When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch