WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
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*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]