If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
You Might Also Like
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.